How the Compost Pile of our Humanity Transforms US

I had a good retreat this year but the end of it was filled with my humanness in all of its glory – jealousy, clinging, not staying in the present moment because of the grief of having to leave my favorite place on earth yet another time.  When I returned home I sent my retreat director an email telling her I had learned a lot about myself in those last few days and apologizing for my bad behavior.  Her reply touched me deeply, she said:  “Isn’t it wonderful that the compost of your self was turned, allowing the breaking-down-into-nutrients process to carry on.”  I have been pondering that statement ever since. 

Believe me I’m not all that familiar with compost piles but I surely caught the idea clearly.  Composting is a process of regeneration, renewal, and resurrection.  We take the organic scraps from our table like apple cores, banana peels, coffee grounds, egg shells, etc. and we add to them the organic scraps of the earth like grass trimmings, dead flowers, and leaves that fall from the trees and then we just let them sit.  With time microorganisms break things down and worms transform what remains.  The seasons turn, alternately warming and cooling, wetting and drying and then miraculously we have a pile of moist, nutrient rich soil to spread on our newly planted vegetables which will grow with the aid of the sun and water, minerals from the earth, the pollination of bees and the soil loosening of earthworms and  Voila -- the cycle begins all over again -- Life begets life!  How amazing this regenerating life that God has given us! 

What happens with the earth can also happen within me.  In composting, it’s the scraps we throw away, the stuff that has rotted, the stuff with bad spots, we give it air and time and end up with amazing soil.  Within us there are also those areas that we are ashamed of, those areas where our anger flares or our bruised ego cries in unbecoming ways.  If I’m willing to look at the scraps within me of jealousy or insecurity or impatience or downright meanness in a compassionate way then, with time, something amazing can also happen – a regeneration, a renewal, a resurrection.  

All of those mysterious times when we seem stuck or lost (pain, remorse, regret, guilt), we’re meant to just gently turn the pile over.  Into this smelly pile of our brokenness, we work in a bit of self-compassion and forgiveness and lots of God’s grace.  Next, with a little loving attention, we carefully pick out the stones and debris of our life that no longer serve us well and say goodbye to them.  And then we simply wait each day in the stillness of our prayer for the miracle of God’s grace. 

When we are emotionally, creatively, or spiritually stuck, we need not ask more of ourselves then nature asks herself.  Often we expect way too much of ourselves.  Sometime we see only the negative within us.  We spend all of our time looking at the compost pile rather than the fragrant flower or luscious fruit that is waiting to grow within us.  But nothing grows when our days are spent guarding the compost pile, defending it, covering it up to make our lives look larger than life itself.  I learned once that our greatest weakness is also our greatest strength.  Maybe this is the paradox that we live.  Without the nutrients of our humanity, the soil of our lives, of our personalities, will remain arid.  Gardening is full of grunting, sweat, dirt and sometimes holding your nose.  Composting demonstrates to us the powers of birth, death and regeneration at an earthly level.  We have to choose to believe that it can do the same with the weakest elements of our personality. It’s a slow process this finding the garbage of our lives and seeing the value in “composting” it.—breaking-down-into nutrients” but alas it is what births new life within us.